11:02pm – A bunch of ramble with no real end goal, just a bit of oversharing and some thoughts I had.
To do achieve ones dream is to achieve the impossible, or so they say. Nonetheless, this is a foreign concept for me, even just understanding and articulating my “dream” seems impossible. That being said, there are different tiers to every dream: relationships, family, career, lifestyle, education, net worth. I find that there is always an ounce of materialism or superficiality that is associated with having a dream. But isn’t that a given? Even if your goal in life isn’t to become famous and live in a 4 story mansion, it could be to find the love of your life and settle down. Yet, even that can seem to be a challenge in its own right. But, is it really a “dream” if it doesn’t require hard work and persistence? It’s something you strive for, something you chase relentlessly. This is where my issue comes in. I don’t know if I’ve hit my stride yet, found my passion and I have several theories as to why this is the case.
The first thought that occurred to me was that I’m a very “phase driven” person, which is ironic because I see myself as someone that HATES change. I can never hold one thing down. I always dip in and out of fads, trends, hobbies and crafts. Nothing. Sticks. Some of my many artistic endeavours include, sculpting (despite the overly expensive clay I used that went rock solid if left out for more than 10 minutes), drawing (to which I purchased SEVERAL sketch books that, for the most part, remain blank apart for the first page or so), instrumentation (the untouched violin in my closet and thick layer of dust atop of my guitar speaks for itself). Now, I am very grateful for my mother in particular, for allowing me to go all guns blazing into what I thought (at the time) was my calling in life; but realistically did I think that making tiny cakes out of clay was going to pay the bills, no. However, she still believed in me and that is something that I struggle to do myself even now.
Which brings me to my next reason as to why I haven’t found my “dream” yet. I’m scared, I doubt myself, I don’t want to be criticised. Making something publicly “your thing”, creates a lot of vulnerability and a lot of chances to be judged. I mean hey, if you really love something and trust your gut, then it shouldn’t matter what the public eye thinks, right? Wrong. At least in my case… As hard as it is to admit, I seek validation, constantly. I’m that anxious of putting effort into something that creates 0 pay off that I need people to approve of my decisions and choices. Therefore, I can blame it on them if everything “hits the fan”, at least that’s how I’m interpreting it…. I should probably rephrase, by blame, I mean I have someone to say “I told you so” too. Allowing myself to prove that my doubts were, in fact, correct. Ironically narcissistic, I know. This also means that I get extremely frustrated with myself. I come up with a myriad of ideas and creative projects but I’m petrified to pursue them and create the final result. I guess this means I’m also a bit of a perfectionist doesn’t it…
An impatient perfectionist, isn’t that just a match made in heaven? I guess, in short, I’m someone that strives for the best, in the shortest amount of time. That’s almost as impossible as the entire concept of obtaining a dream, don’t you think? Maybe I’ll just have to wait and see if I can gain my footing in the new year, to find that light at the end of the tunnel. For now it seems miles away. But, even that seems like such an absurd thought. That by the time you are ready to graduate you need to have at least some understanding as to what you want to do for, pretty much, the rest of your life. What if the job or life I want to live doesn’t even exist yet? How does one prepare for that exactly?
And so, the concept of “dreams” became evermore expansive and overwhelming.